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So, I’ve finished the first draft of my second exam question.  That’s twenty pages in two days and I’m feeling mentally drained.  I know that seems quick.  I really kicked my but to get something down today, but it needs MAJOR revisions and I need to go back and reread some literature.  Sigh.  But, a complete draft always makes me feel better than a half-complete final version, so there it is.

I decided to run before my exam work today because the high today is 92 and it’s also pretty steamy.  At 6:45am it was already 72 and not so pleasant, but I figured it was better than trying to run at 5pm.  I’m at a coffee shop right now (6pm) and I just saw a guy run by.  I’m worried about his well being.  In fact, I’m putting off walking home because I got so sweaty on the way here.  Ah ha, they sell soft serve!  That should do the trick!  Back home to do some work for my professor… a busy day.

My walk to work this morning was sunny with mild temps.  By the afternoon, it was absolutely perfect outside.  On campus, it was nice to see more people lingering as they walked, many had already abandoned their coats, and I could smell spring.  I met with a professor about a paper.  It was a good talk and there’s just something about the sunshine that makes everything seem bright and hopeful.  I stopped to get coffee before class, ran into a fellow grad student and chatted for a bit.  I’m starting to feel at home here, a part of things, as much as is possible in a place marked deeply by change, growth, and departure.  At this moment, I’m enjoying being in the middle, growing and enjoying the springtime.

Ohio, don’t let me down.

Today during my Ed Tech seminar, we skyped with a professor from Syracuse.  Even though her research interests aren’t directly aligned with mine, I thought it was great that we were all sitting there having a real conversation with a scholar at another university.  She seemed genuinely excited that we were interested in talking with her and it was good to hear another perspective.  It was cool.

Also, during that meeting I changed my desktop background from a picture of a glacier to a picture of a ladybug on a leaf.  It was sunny today, so I’m hopeful.  Take a hint, Ohio.

So, I finally left the house today after two lovely days all snowed in.  I was going to take a picture of the snow piled on my car, but was feeling cold and lazy.  Instead, you can visit this blog and see some cool snow figures some students made around campus.  Awesome right?

And a final tidbit I wanted to share with you (well, Uncle Ray mostly).  If you send in a video, you have a chance to be in a commercial with Flo, the Progressive lady!  Check it out here.  I could totally see Ray on one of those commercials!

I set my alarm for 6 this morning.  I was going to run early, then work.  But, when my alarm went off, I kept hitting snooze until it was 6:40.  I grabbed my phone to check mail and guess what?  SNOW DAY!  To celebrate, I promptly went back to sleep for another hour and then leisurely got up, made breakfast and got to work.  I took a little break to run (around my house, no lie), but aside from that I have been so terribly productive, that I think I might just cry.  I caught up on email, I did work on my blog study, I submitted an abstract for a research forum, I edited an article and submitted it to a local journal and now I’m writing my blog!  I did everything on my list for today and two things from list for TOMORROW!  Did you hear that?  TOMORROW!  Oh, happy snow day.

And, in the midst of all of this work, I occasionally took some facebook breaks (of course) and these led me to two very interesting blogs.  I’m sure I was more interested because I had been writing about blogs all day, but still, there’s a connection, so don’t leave yet.  So, in my own writing, I’m trying to think about what’s going on with blogs.  I’m looking at women in grad school, but my real questions are:  What are women doing with blogs?  How are they using them?  Is this something new?  What is going on here?  (basically).  So, through facebook I was led to these two blogs…

The Sullivans

matt, liz, and madeline

Don’t even try to click on those links unless you are ready to cry your little eyes out.  I’m serious.  They are two blogs written by two men, who at first were only documenting their wives’ pregnancies, but then through two different tragedies, began to document their lives as widowers and single fathers.  Both have acquired a pretty large following and receive loads of comments of support daily.  They are definitely two different people, one a deeply religious person, the other curses and writes poetry.  But, both are using these blogs in ways that couldn’t have existed before the internet.  Journals would never have written back or given support, or spread throughout the country.  Talking to a friend would never have generated this type of response.  Both have started raising money for different causes and both are struggling publicly in this new space.  What does this mean for how we view old notions of a separate private and public life?  In lots of ways, these men are similar to my blogging women, struggling through grad school, garnering support, trying to figure things out in a public space… though admittedly their (our) lives have not been thrown into upheaval as these men’s lives have.  Most men don’t keep “personal” blogs.  Without their wives, are they searching for a connection they lost?  I don’t know, but if you have time, read, cry and show some support from a distant land.

The final sessions yesterday went well.  In the very last one for the day, I got to listen to a PhD candidate talk about his dissertation.  He studied the ways that his student used blogs in his classroom.  Needless to say, I loved it. I’m kind of sad the conference is over because I feel like I learned so much, but I’m also very tired and ready to be in my home that is full of wonderful wireless Internet.

This morning, I woke up early to run 12 miles in the San Diego sunshine.  I ran along the boardwalk again down to the USS Midway where there’s a HUGE statue of the Navy guy kissing the nurse from WWII.  I only came up to the nurse’s calf, it was so big.  Then, I ran the other way down to the swanky Hilton and back again.  It was a perfect day.  High 60s, sunny, no clouds and no wind. I hear it’s nice at home too and that makes me happy!

Our flight is currently delayed 40 minutes, so I’m sitting in the San Diego airport using their free wireless (which every place should have) and hoping that there won’t be any more delays.  If all goes as planned, I’ll be home by midnight.

This morning, I had to get up early to run a 20 miler for my Pig training and then I had to shower and hop on a plane to San Diego.  I am going to attend the American Educational Research Association’s (AERA) national conference.  It’s the big conference for anyone researching anything about education, so I’m excited to be able to see lots of different people present all kinds of research.

On my first flight of the day, a little boy was sitting in front of me and when we took off he was staring out of the window.  I think it might have been his first time flying because he was excited to see all the “little” houses.  I wanted to take a picture of his face because it was such genuine amazement, but then I realized that I probably shouldn’t take pictures of other people’s children and post them on the Internet.  When we flew over campus, we had a great view of the ‘Shoe, so I pointed it out to him and he looked back at me like I was a crazy stranger, which I then realized is exactly what I was.  It was a really great view though…

I had a layover in Dallas, and the first thing I saw when I got off of the plane, and I’m serious, was a guy with a huge cowboy hat on.  Come on.  Really?  And I love the Texas stores in the airport.  They are hilarious.  My favorite item, a neck roll pillow with the Texas flag on it, just in case you want to commemorate your trip to the Lone Star state with a neckroll pillow.

Then, on the flight to San Diego, I was sitting by another little boy.  He was about 7 or 8.  He was pretty quiet, but when he noticed that my leg was in his space, he looked at his mom and gestured where the dividing line was between our seats, so I moved my leg.  I thought it was a little bossy, but I didn’t want to start any fights.  For most of the flight, I was reading for class and he was doing homework.  At first, he stayed far away from me, but as the flight went on, started to get more comfortable and bumped my elbow and let his paper spread out onto my tray.  Then, his little pencil kept tap tap tapping away and was getting dangerously close to my macbook.  At first, I was nervous and then I realized that my macbook is so dirty that no little pencil mark would make a difference.  It was funny though because I sort of felt like a little kid myself, doing homework and all.  When I’m reading and trying to stay awake, I twirl my hair.  This little kid started to get distracted, and his strategy was first to start drawing on his seat belt buckle and then he just hauled off and laid his head face down on his homework.  So there we were, two tired, distracted students, side by side, hair twirling, pencil tapping, just trying to get our work done.

San Diego arrival

I arrived in San Diego, sun glasses on, short sleeve shirt on, and it was cold!  I was under the impression that southern California was warm.  What the heck?  Anyway, I’m traveling with a friend from school, so we went to the hotel, checked in and then walked around the area a little bit. If you can believe it, they do not have free wireless Internet!  I was so ticked.  I asked the front desk clerk if he would charge people extra for water because that’s what not having free Internet is like in this day and age.  Pathetic.

Hotel Lobby

It’s really cute (but would be cuter if it was warm and had Internet) and we found a nice Indian place to have a late dinner.  It’s way too late for me now, especially since that 20 miler doesn’t feel that long ago, so I’m hitting the hay.

This is said in a sad, child-like voice reminiscent of the question, “Why do bad things happen to good people?” Seriously, I put my winter coat in the closet for good last week (I thought). I put my boots away. I started opening the window at night and then… snow? I hate Ohio weather. Just get warm and stay warm, or else.

Today, I mostly read (again). Dan had to leave for Chicago around lunch time and I had to brave the blustery cold to go to class at 4:30. I really love this class though. We had to practice coding qualitative data and we shared with the class what we did. I really feel like I’m learning skills I can use. How about that?

The best part though, is that we are required to have a writing group for this class and we are required to meet 2 hours per week. Our group decided to meet right after class. I wasn’t sure how well the group would work and this week was really just introductory, but it was so nice to be able to have time to talk about what we are working on and general grad school craziness. It was very therapeutic. In class, we were talking about the South African Truth and Reconciliation Commission that took place at the end of apartheid. In the report on this commission, they defined four types of truth: factual truth (that can be proven- things like mass graves, bones were found, they existed), personal truth (testimonials or personal narratives- the stories of people that lived through it), social truth (truth that takes place as dialogue- hearing the stories from multiple perspectives) and healing truth (the healing that takes place as these truths are heard- healing South Africa by exposing the truth and terror of apartheid). Why am I telling you this? Well, it’s because that writing group, sort of reminded me of a “healing truth.” Just talking, just hearing from others makes you feel a little less crazy. It’s good. Why are we talking about these truths in this class about data analysis? Well, it’s because people are complex and as Dr. Lather said tonight “rarely consistent.” As we talk to people during our research, we have to decide how to represent them on paper. They will give us their stories, they will contradict themselves, but does that mean it’s not the truth? It’s their personal truth and it’s our job to interpret that in a way that doesn’t boil human beings down into mere facts and figures (that’s for the quantitative analysts). We, as qualitative researchers, must look from all angles, make multiple connections and embrace complexity. This brings me back to the “This is not a pipe” post. It’s not a pipe because it’s a picture of a pipe. It’s a representation. Can I really write about a person and have that piece of writing/research truly represent that person? Could anyone write a story about your life and really get it all, really get it right? Heck no. C’est impossible!

I pretty much spent the day reading for classes. I didn’t get as much done as I needed to, but I don’t think I ever do. I did take a couple of breaks to run and go grocery shopping. The run was great. I was sweaty, which means it was warm enough for me to be sweaty! Maybe soon, I’ll be able to wear short sleeves! Woo hoo.

Today was an absolutely perfectly gorgeous day. It was 69 degrees and sunny. So, I took a couple of pictures as I was out and about, but I do declare that I need a fancier camera (and maybe photography lessons). This is the “numbers garden” on OSU’s campus. See the giant numbers? Sweet, huh?
And this is a street right near my house. I really like the tree to the right, but I don’t know what it is, so if you do, please tell me so I can plant one at my next house.
This afternoon I had a class that will be all about writing a literature review. I am really excited about the class, because 1) I like to write and 2) I think it will be very helpful in moving me along on my dissertation (when the time comes). The course is taught by a professor of educational psychology and we started out with a discussion on the roadblocks we have as “academic writers.” People were throwing out things like not having enough time, not feeling like they have all of the information that they need to be thorough, not understanding APA and what have you. Someone mentioned a lack of confidence, which I can completely relate to. Writing (and many other things) at “this level” (whatever that means) is very intimidating and I never want to share it with anyone but the professor and even then, I am scared. The professor took this comment very seriously and gave us a bit of a “talk” on how common this is and that it actually has a name, impostor syndrome. It’s basically when you think that none of your accomplishments are attributed to your ability and you feel like you somehow slipped through the cracks, got lucky, and are fooling people. So, in a sense, you are an impostor in an academic environment where you don’t really belong. I am going to go ahead and diagnose myself with impostor syndrome, because, well, who doesn’t love a good self-diagnosis? I’ll also give some anecdotal evidence (very scientific, I know):

1) In grade school, I specifically remember thinking that I was tricking people into thinking I was smart by studying for tests. I felt like if I was just memorizing stuff that meant I wasn’t really smart because anyone could memorize the stuff if they wanted to (I think I may still agree with myself on this).
2) When I got to the 8th grade (my mom still makes fun of me for this) my teachers recommended that I take three different honors courses the following year, Algebra, English and Biology, but I was absolutely convinced that I was not smart enough to take all three (because I had been tricking people for so long) and would only sign up for Biology. I remember having a big crying fit with my mom and saying, “I’m not smart!” over and over (which is the phrase my mom now uses to mock me when something good happens… in a loving way of course). By the end of high school, I was taking as many honors classes as I could. I had become masterful at the art of tricking people.
3) When I got into Ohio State, I wondered (and still do) just how many people actually applied to the program that year. I feel like the numbers may have been in my favor.

I’ll spare you any more of my fake psycho-analysis, but I think this is probably why I get so nervous talking in front of people that don’t know me (or haven’t been fooled yet). I think they are going to figure me out for the imposter that I am and then say, “How in the world did you get into this program? My, your understanding of deconstructionism is unremarkable to say the least” (in my head this is all said in a snobby British accent) and then maybe shove me in a locker or something like that.

All of these classes are sort of small and everyone sits quietly in a circle and politely takes turns talking. So, I’m sitting there pondering all of this impostor nonsense when my stomach makes this super loud gargling sound. Not only am I an impostor, but I also make embarrassing noises. Nice.