Patience = FAIL

This week’s challenge was to practice complete patience.  Insert maniacal laugh here.

Of all of the challenges that I have completed so far this year, this one has been the biggest failure.  I actually thought this “challenge” would be relaxing and less of a challenge, more of a chance to just let go, let things slide off my back, enjoy life, etc.  But, I found out that I have a REALLY difficult time letting something go.  I kept a log of all of the times I lost my patience this week and it was no less than 15 times, and that wasn’t counting when I was driving, which thankfully I don’t do that often.  Now, each of these times weren’t necessarily me going ballistic (actually, none of them were), just me losing my cool, snapping, when I was REALLY trying hard not to.  Paying attention to this though, did help me calm down faster, and recognize that I need to learn how to be patient.  I think I’m getting a teeny tiny wee bit better.  Even Dan said that I was more patient this week than usual (which is sort of embarrassing after having kept track).  But, this is a challenge that I will continue to work on.  In fact, I think I might keep my list going because just making a note of it helped me to snap out of it and then see, collectively, how silly all of the aggravations seemed in retrospect (It became a joke with Dan when I pulled out my iPhone (where I was keeping my list).  Something would happen and I would grit my teeth and silently pull out my phone, or Dan would say, “Do you need to write this one down?”).  And, it pained me to see that so much of my impatience was directed at Dan.  Dan and I are different people and it’s why we work, but it can also be a source of tension.  He is slow and patient, and I like to rush and be efficient.  He is never in a hurry and I am always in a hurry.  I’ve learned that this causes me much more angst than it should.  I also realized that the person that is in a hurry is always the one that is annoyed.  Like on the highway, when you see someone speeding by everyone, getting too close to other cars, zigzagging between lanes, it is he who is stressed, not the ones who sit in the right lane at 55mph and let the wackos fight it out, right?  I think I need to start going 55mph (well, metaphorically).  What am I always in a big hurry for anyway?  Might as well relax and enjoy life.  This all sounds great, but it is much easier said than was done.

Here’s a snippet of my list.  I’m not going to include them all because, well, because I just don’t want to share them all, but here’s a shortened version of the list:

• Lost patience with Dan at Whole Foods because I thought he was trying to buy more food than we needed and I hate wasting food.
• The mangy cat outside of our cabin wouldn’t stop trying to jump on my lap the first morning of our trip and he would not let me relax and read my book.  I yelled at it, but it was stupid and would not leave.  I had to read inside and that made me mad.  Peace in the woods?  Not so much that first morning.
• Snapped at Dan after we did our canopy tour because I thought he was ignoring me because we finally had some cell service and I thought he was being obsessive about checking his phone for all kinds of things.
• I lost my patience with Dan at Walmart because I had just listed the three things we needed and then he asked what we needed.
• I lost my patience with Dan at OU because I finally noticed that I had a giant spot of dirt on my shirt and I asked Dan about it and he had been looking at it all day, but didn’t tell me.  Thanks, honey.
• I lost my patience with Dan when we went on one of our hikes because he was ignoring me and fiddling with the camera for a really long time.  He’s a fiddler.  Oh, how that guy can fiddle.
• I lost my patience in general because we couldn’t find the dang Mexican restaurant that was in the Hocking Hills guide and we drove 20 minutes out of the way TWICE.  Did I mention that I am even less patient when I’m hungry?
• I snapped at Dan at the grocery store because he couldn’t pick a line for check out.
• I snapped at Dan because he took too long taking a bite of my McFlurry (I wanted my McFlurry back!).

Okay, I think that’s enough.  It’s kind of embarrassing to write those down, but what are these challenges for if not to get me out of myself and try to see how I am and how maybe I could be a little better?  Patience, though, patience is not my strong suit.  This is going to take some work.  Looking back at those moments of impatience makes me wonder why I couldn’t just let it go.  Why couldn’t I just let Dan fiddle with the camera from now until kingdom come?  I mean, I have a lot of what I think are good reasons, but mostly I think I just have this need to be in control of situations and when I lose control, I get annoyed.  I have a hard time going with the flow.  I like to make a plan, and then enact the plan.  All deviations are irritating.  We were supposed to be hiking, not standing in the woods fiddling.  Stupid, right?  Yes, I know.  Hopefully I’m learning little by little when a reaction is necessary and when it’s better to let it flow.

God help me.  And God help Dan.