On Meditation

This week’s challenge was to meditate everyday for a week.  I have to admit that I think I am a very bad meditator, though, I do think that this is also something that must be practiced regularly and perhaps a week is just not enough time.  Monday, my first day of meditation, started well enough.  I decided to meditate in the afternoon, just before my class.  I thought, this would relax me and allow me to clear my mind before class.  I sat up in my bedroom on the floor at the foot of my bed, crossed my legs, and let my hands rest on my knees.  I set my meditation timer for ten minutes and began to breathe.  It started easily enough.  I tried to focus on the feeling of my breath, the coldness in my throat, the rise and fall of my belly.  A few minutes in, I started to have thoughts intrude on my silence.  I thought about dogs (no idea why), family members, but mostly, what am I going to do when this ten minutes is over?  My mind really wanted to spend the ten minutes of silence in planning mode.  Oh, you thought you were going to relax did you?  Why are you wasting a perfectly good ten minutes!  You should be reading!  You should be checking your email!  Don’t you have grades to do?  You know that as you sit here like a lump, you are forgetting to do something VERY IMPORTANT.  START MOVING! My mind is ferocious, I tell you.  I felt like I had to stand guard and shoo my thoughts away, but it was kind of exhausting and a little disturbing that I felt like I lost the battle with my persistent and neurotic thoughts.  When my meditation timer sounded the bell to end my session, my body felt a little more relaxed, but I jumped up to check my email and my calendar to make sure my thoughts weren’t right.  I don’t really think that that’s how meditation is supposed to go.

The next four days were all the same (unfortunately).  I put off meditating all day because I felt like I just had too much to do to sit still for ten minutes.  Then, I meditated right before bed, laying down on my bed.  I kept the light on and set my timer, determined not to think for ten minutes before I tucked myself in for the night.  This was actually a little more successful (though I realize also very lazy).  I was tired, so I was able to be more still.  There was nothing left in the day to think about.  It was also nice to completely clear my head before I tried to fall asleep.  This let me relax and not go through the list in my head once I turned off the light.  I still had thoughts intruding, mind you, but they were easier to shoo away.

Saturday was a complete disaster.  I put off meditating until it was 1am (and so not Saturday any longer) and then just decided to not meditate that day.  Ah.  Friday was such a bad day with all the work piled up and the rejection letter, that Saturday was a loss.  I had to do schoolwork all morning and then in the evening we celebrated Ben’s birthday.  No meditating at all, and I feel like a slacker (one more thing I didn’t get to).

Today was my last day, and I was determined to hold to my promise to meditate for twenty minutes.  So, before bed, I got into comfortable clothes, parked myself on my bed (sitting up, cross-legged), set my meditation timer for twenty minutes and folded my hands in my lap.  This was my most successful attempt!  Maybe it was the longer time, or maybe it was a new strategy I had.  I first started by breathing in and breathing out and with each breath thinking, “right here, right now.”  I tried to focus on those words and my breathing so as not to let my mind yell at me.  Thoughts still popped up like, what I was going to write in this blog and what time I needed to get up in the morning, but I peacefully shooed those away and went back to breathing.  In the middle sometime, I changed my thinking to, “spirit, lightness.”  I have no idea why I picked these words, but they just appeared and I tried to focus on my spirit and a feeling of lightness.  I also tried to sort of half smile.  I imagined that I was light and floating and at peace.  Later on, my thoughts changed to, “peace, love” (very 1960s, I know) and I started to think of each of my family members with smiles on their faces.  My thoughts started to wander again, this time saying, How long is twenty minutes?! But, it was only a few seconds later that the timer went off.  I felt very peaceful and relaxed and I also felt like I had an experience to share on my blog.

In the future, I think I might try to meditate more often for about 15-20 minutes, but only when I truly feel like I have time.  It just can’t be another thing on my list that stresses me out.  That makes no sense.  Although, it is supposed to be a break from the day and it’s not good that I have a hard time giving myself a ten minute break.  I need to work on that.