bugsii

I take comfort in the fact that ten years from now I will look back on this time in school and say, “Oh, that went by so quickly.”  Because, today, I am sick about being on track to take exams and begin my dissertation work in a timely manner.  So, when you are working toward a PhD, you first take courses until you are prepared for exams.  Then, you take exams to prove you know enough to write a dissertation and only then can you actually work on your dissertation.  I want to take my exams in the spring and work on my dissertation next year.  I met with my advisor today though and she seemed a bit skeptical about the speed of my progress.  I don’t want to take exams before I am ready, but I really feel that I am ready to start focusing my efforts on these exams.  I’ve taken so many courses and I have accumulated so many readings/concepts/theories/authors, that I feel like it’s time to narrow my focus and hone in on what my areas will be, which is sort of what you do during exams.  I can understand my advisor’s worry, she wants to make sure I pass my exams and that I am truly “ready” for dissertation work.  She also just got me as an advisee, so she doesn’t know me so well yet.  She suggested that I write some more papers for publication and that I present at a few more conferences.  Those things are definitely in the works and I am going to press on, one day at a time, knowing that sooner than I can imagine I’ll be wearing that funny little tam and walking across a stage.

This morning, as I walked to work in the 30 something degree weather, I kicked around quite a few used gel packs.  This weekend, while I was at the wedding, thousands of people were running the Columbus Marathon.  When I got to work, my coworker who lives near the course in German Village told me how cool it was to watch all of the runners go by.  I’m looking very forward to my St. Jude’s Marathon coming up on December 5.  I’m officially on week 12 of the 18 week training.

If you are still thinking about donating to my cause.  Here’s the link:

https://waystohelp.stjude.org/sjVPortal/public/displayUserPage.do?userId=315633&programId=401&eventId=55854

Muchas gracias!

Yesterday, from where I sat, as the matron of honor, was perfect.  The ceremony was wonderful (even though I stepped on the train).  Running around Canton between the ceremony and the reception to take quintessential Canton pictures was amazing (even in the cold).  And the reception was SO MUCH FUN (no parenthetical needed).

Here, I want to share the speech I gave for Marcy.  It took me months to write and it felt good to deliver it to Marcy on her special day.

MOH Speech

First, I just want to thank Marcy’s family for this beautiful event.  As, I’m sure Todd has come to find out, Marcy’s family is wonderful and welcoming and, well, honestly, it makes me a little jealous sometimes.  Barb and Marty have always welcomed me as their second daughter.  Barb, who Marcy and I lovingly call super mom, who always has a coupon for everything and knows the fastest way to get between any two points in the state of Ohio.  And, Marty, well… what can I say Marty?  I love to joke with you and you always make me laugh.  Marcy has certainly been blessed.

When Marcy and I first met, we were gangly, sweet 15-year-old girls with braces and big smiles.  We met in Art class where we chatted and laughed and created terrible works of art that horrified Mrs. Zaler. We were different, but complemented one another well.  Where Marcy was punctual, I was late; where Marcy remembered, I forgot; where Marcy was socially appropriate, I was… not.  Despite my carelessness though, Marcy loved me for me and opened my eyes to how to be a loyal friend.  She sent me cards on my birthday, she remembered to call me when I took my driver’s test, she humored me and my goofy stories and crazy ideas.  Thankfully, Todd didn’t need quite as much work.

Over our high school years, we flung secret notes to each other in study hall, we developed a secret code to name our crushes, we had a secret party when Barb and Marty went on vacation.  In short, we had adventures.   My favorite story from high school, though, was when Marcy was going on her first date, with Mike Dentler.  And, when Mike came to pick Marcy up, there I was.  And when Marcy sat in the front seat, I sat in the back.  And when Mike brought Marcy over to hang out in his basement, there I sat.  Three peas in a pod we were.  And, don’t worry Todd, I made sure nothing happened.

But, then we grew up and went off to college and began to have new friends, new lives.  We had more adventures, most that involved the state of Texas, but Canton and Central, though always in our hearts, were left behind.  Sadly, I didn’t get to ride in the backseat on Marcy and Todd’s first date, but when I met him for the first time, I was impressed.  He was nice and cute and so… normal.  I don’t know how else to explain it, but Todd just felt like a guy I had known forever and when Marcy told me the story of how he arranged to surprise her with gifts before her first marathon, I was sold.  I knew he was the one.

As some of you know, I am a married woman, hence the matronly title of matron of honor.  And since I possess this esteemed title, I feel that I should give the bride and groom some advice.  Todd, you may know this already, but Marcy does not take any crap.  She is an efficient machine, just like her mom, so when in doubt, step aside. Also Todd (this one is for you too) don’t leave your whiskers all over the sink in the bathroom.  Ew, I hate that.  Oh, and drive her everywhere, and keep surprising her.  Do it because she deserves it, but also because one of Marcy’s best traits is that she is fiercely loyal and you can be sure that she will never leave your side.  And Marcy, this one’s for you… just let him make a few decisions.  Just a few.  That’s it.  But, it’s hard to do, trust me.  And then, don’t remind him when he inevitably makes the wrong decision.  That’s hard too.

But seriously, my wish for you both, and I wish this with all my heart, is that you love each other joyfully and unconditionally and that you never stop having fun… and that you make beautiful babies, sometime around the time that Dan and I start to make babies.  I love you Mrs. Thornicroft!  Here’s to the happy couple!

Today, Dan and I headed up to Canton for my best friend, Marcy’s wedding.  We had the rehearsal at 6pm at SJA (St. Joan of Arc, to all you non-Canton, non-parochial schoolers).  All was smooth.  Then, the rehearsal dinner was at the 356th Fighter Group, a cool restaurant right next to the Akron/Canton airport where you can watch planes take off and land as you eat.  Dinner was good and then Marcy and Todd gave a little speech for each person as they handed out gifts.  Needless to say, by the end we were all a little blubbery.  This is my favorite photo of the night because this is Marcy in mid-story.  This is such a Marcy face.

I love you Marc!

There are more pictures under the piictures tab!  Looking forward to a beautiful wedding tomorrow!

This morning, I woke up early to read.  Then, I got ready to go Bergamo, my first academic conference where I would be presenting my own work.  I was pretty calm most of the morning.  It wasn’t until I was on my way there that I started to get nervous.  I tried to just drive, to look at the fall leaves, to remind myself that I should not spend hours worrying about a measly 20 minutes that would be over before I knew it, but you know, it’s hard to do.  When I got to the Bergamo Conference Center, I was delighted to find a small Catholic retreat in a wooded area.  Walking in reminded me of being in St. Joe’s church basement, and I sort of felt at home. It was like this little crazy Catholic summer camp.

Bergamo

I checked in and then went to the session before mine to listen and talk.  It was small (the first session of the conference), but the atmosphere was very different than the other conferences I had attended.  People actually talked to each other.  The presenter had a dialogue with us and I felt really relaxed.  At the beginning, the presenter asked where I was from and I said, Ohio State, and he asked who I was studying under and I said, Patti Lather.  From my left I heard a slightly gasped, “wow.”  I guess I’m still getting used to the fact that she is such a big name in this field.

When I got to my session, I was feeling relatively calm, but for some reason any time I have to present information (especially my own), I start to play this tape in my head.  And the tape says, “This is not interesting to anyone.  You don’t know what you are talking about.  You used that term incorrectly.  Etc, etc.”  So, what happens then, is that I start to talk really fast and I forget to make some of my points.  It’s the eyes on me.  I don’t know why, but it is.  Once I was finished “presenting” though, people asked all sorts of helpful and curious questions about my blogging work and a good discussion was stimulated.  That made me feel really good.  There was another presenter with me and he presented this idea that teaching should be more improvisational and he likened it to jazz improvisation.  It was really interesting.  I like that conference!  I had a good time having nerdy discussions about education!

Next year, I plan to get a room at the Catholic retreat and stay the whole weekend, but this year, I am home in my bed, preparing for Marcy’s wedding.  Tomorrow I leave for Canton for the rehearsal dinner and I am very much looking forward to it!

Today, Dan finished his third custom made joystick.  This one was made for Benny-boo and boy is it nice!  Check it out.

Nice models too.

Dan’s working on his fourth masterpiece now.  The anticipation is killing me.

Let me break down the past three days for you.

Monday- Left work early to read. Read the rest of the day.

Tuesday- Read, class, read, class, Biggest Loser.

Wednesday- Read, class, read, read, read, read.  Ahhhh!

But, the good news is that I have gotten most of next week’s reading done and shall enjoy my weekend ‘o’ fun in Canton, Ohio celebrating Marcy’s wedding.

In other news, during class today, my professor had us stand in line based on how comfortable we felt with the readings on theory.  On the one end, was “Oh my god!” (I’m serious) and on the other was “I’m ready to use it.”  So, without much hesitation, I plunked myself right on the “I’m ready to use it” end because you know what?  I am ready.  Things are starting to come together for me and though I don’t know as much as I would like to know about every theorist relevant to my field, I know enough to try it out and in trying it out, I will only know it better.  I like to try to apply the theory or use it in interesting ways and I like to be stuck for a bit because, for me, I need to be in the act of applying to really get it.  I know enough to apply (or at least be dangerous) and I felt confident enough to say so.  This is sort of big for me, because my first instinct was to place myself in the middle.  Who wants to claim they know enough about theory to use it?  Don’t you just want to claim that you are sort of starting to get comfortable?  But, I really feel like there’s no such thing as knowing everything anyway, and I know enough, and that’s enough for now.  And as time goes on, I might be able to be an expert in some area and, oh, won’t that be grand.  This reminds me of the fact that I cut myself a lot when I am cooking.  I don’t really know how to cook, I just know enough to be dangerous, so I scramble around with cookbooks and tools scattered over the kitchen, rushing from one thing to the next and invariably, I cut myself or burn myself or something, but you know what?  I live and I get better at cooking.  I’m not careless, I’m fearless.

My Fall Guy

Dan and I took our annual Fall trip to hike at Clifton Gorge today.  It was crisp and beautiful and we enjoyed every minute of it.  After the hike, we stopped to get pumpkins, apples and even a squash.  I’m very serious about the squash selection process.

I didn't get that one.

After that, we went to Young’s Dairy Farm, got some burgers (they have a black bean burger now!) and ice cream.  The perfect fall day.  There are more pictures under the piictures tab (including a leaf as big as my head!).

Well, I got A LOT done today and I am feeling kinda groovy.  I slept in until 8, read, wrote my Foucault reflection, finished and submitted a paper for a journal, outlined my presentation for this Thursday (big conference!) and then read for another class.  Phew.  I need to get WAY ahead this week because next weekend is my best friend in the wide world, Marcy’s, wedding.  I am the maid of honor and I fully intend on relaxing and enjoying myself the ENTIRE weekend.  No work, just fun.

Speaking of fun, after all that work, Dan and I went to see The Informant.  It was a good movie.  You should see it.  I’m pretty tired.  Night!

So, now I’m reading Foucault’s Discipline and Punish (thank goodness because I don’t think I could have read another word in The Order of Things).  This book is a history of the prison system and is interesting because it begins with this grotesque description from a newspaper in the 17th century (I think) of a torture and execution.  I won’t go into details, but the point of it was to show how inconceivable that is to us now.  That’s not to say that “we” (or the state or whatever) have really gotten any more humane, it’s just that the way that power is exerted over us (and flows through society) has changed in a way that is sort of more severe.  Foucault would claim, the state has trained us to discipline ourselves.  Not that we are tortured, but we are watched, regulated, trained, so much so that we barely need a supervisor.  We feel that we are being watched all the time.  He actually uses the example of school and discusses how our bodies are constantly regulated (line up, sit still, write this way, not that way, go here, not there, etc.).  He also uses the example of military training and the prison.  It’s strange how similar they all seem when you think about it.  He talks about how we are trained to be efficient machines.  He uses the analogy of a machine quite a bit.  He also uses the term “docile bodies” to describe how our bodies are sort of programmed in this way, without our conscious thought.

The funny thing about this was how much I relate to the analogy of a machine.  I am a machine.  I am very disciplined and reading this made me wonder why.  Take yesterday for instance.  My docile body jerked itself from the sleep it so badly needs to read in the pre-dawn hours.  And not just read, but read for 3 hours straight, forcing my eyes to stay on the paper, forcing my mind to stay focused, forcing myself to stay awake.  Then, I took a break to run, which feels good, but was also on my schedule, so I had do it.  I can’t skip it.  Then, I dragged my body to the bus stop, then to class, forcing myself to sit still, speak properly (or try to), take detailed notes, etc.  Then, I went straight to the library, where my non-docile body wanted to play around on facebook for a few minutes, but eventually, I made myself close my computer and open my book to read right up until I had to teach.  Then, I marched myself over to teach, focused on teaching for two hours (which always goes the quickest).  Then, back on the bus and home.  Again, my undisciplined self wanted to watch TV for a bit, just while I ate dinner (it was now 7:30pm), but it lasted a little longer… but again, I made myself turn off the TV, clean up the kitchen, and go up to my room to read.  I read until 11pm, until I couldn’t force my body to read anymore and tried to sleep, but instead worried for an hour or so about when and how I was going to finish this reading.  Not tomorrow, tomorrow, my docile body must work.

So, why do I do this?  Why do I discipline myself so much that I am an efficient machine, exhausted, but productive?  I wonder if it’s because of what I learned in school.  Do your homework on time or the teacher will think badly of you.  Listen to your teacher or your parents will be disappointed.  Do the best you can or you might lose your status as “smart” and “hard-working.”  Are these standards I set on my own or are they the power of American social norms that have a hold of me.  Could I do anything differently?  Could I relax?  Could I skim?  Could I do less than my best?  I really don’t feel like I can and maybe that’s a problem.  I don’t know.  My head hurts.