Oh, Target
29 Oct
How can a retail store nearly bring you to tears? Let me tell you.
After a day full of reading and the discovery that one of the items on my reading list this week was another ENTIRE book, I decided I had better 1) get myself some take out for dinner and 2) go somewhere to read, somewhere where I would not be tempted to watch TV, read a magazine, talk to friends, have a life, etc. So, I decide after my Indian take out, to go to Barnes and Noble for the evening. But first, I needed to stop at Target (right next door). I walk into Target, and I AM NOT KIDDING YOU, begin to get teary. It’s pathetic, I know, but for the past six weeks, I have not been to any store, but the grocery store. I have not had leisure time, I have not putzed around Target, I have not gotten new clothes in I have no idea how long, and though all of these things are not really necessary, it all hit me at once. Target, I miss you. I miss the days when I would stop at the one by my house in Cincinnati and just waste some time. I miss walking around with Dan. I just miss my old life right at this moment.
I know, who complains about being in a PhD program? Oh, you poor thing, your hard life, your non-retail store life. Whatever. At least in my retail store days, I was sure of myself. I had a job I was really good at and people thought I was smart. Now, I’m not sure if I’m any good at anything and I’m only pretty sure that I know next to nothing. I also know I’ve been a downer lately. I’ll get over it, but at least today I have a scapegoat. Stupid Target.
We ALL complain about being in a PhD program. After having done everything from work as a lasher at the Port of Seattle to student affairs, dishwashing to a funeral home, I’m pretty convinced the stresses of PhD work beat them all.
Stupid Target… At least it wasn’t Walmart?
true, yeah, i don’t think walmart could bring me to tears. i’m glad you think this program is stressful because you appear quite zen most of the time. that makes me feel better. for a second anyway.
I agree that everyone complains. And sometimes I want to stop someone on the street — someone who has a nine to five job — and scream, “Do you know that I feel like I should be working ALL THE TIME!?! Like, at 2 AM, I think I should be WORKING!?!”
But hopefully, in the end, we’ll have a job we love.
And I went to Target yesterday for laundry detergent and allowed myself 25 minutes. Sometimes you just have to.
I am starting to worry about you. Seriously, darling, you are going to become one of THEM (I would start listing names here but since this is a public blog to which some of THEM have access via your FB I will refrain). Dan is your life. Your mom is your life. Your brother is your life. The little baby you ARE going to have soon is going to be your life. The PhD is not your life. It should NEVER be our lives. In the end, my dear, the PhD is simply three letters after our names. Okay, you know I love you, but, read your blog… even when you are talking about the people and the things you love you can tell there are other things on your mind. It is like you cannot truly enjoy your life right now because of it. Laurie, the hardest part has yet to come… I know you probably do NOT want to hear that right now but I am going to be straight up with you. What you are experiencing right now… it should be reserved for the hell to come during your candidacy exams and dissertation. I fear that you are killing yourself now and you will not be able to perform to your best then if you keep it up now. Alright, I will stop. I am just a worried friend. Smile. Take a break. I mean a real break. Walk (or run) away from all of it for DAYS.