bugsii

In Canton today, I got to go to one of Marky’s basketball games.  It was quite a nail-biter, so I forgot to take pictures.  Then, Katie went to trick-or-treat and the rest of us went to the Winking Lizard for a late lunch for Julie’s birthday.  It was fun.  Here are Julie, me and my mom:

Happy Birthday/Halloween

Dan and I got home around 7 and I tried to read some for class, but could not keep my eyes open.  I took a nap and then woke up to read a bit more.  I read an interesting chapter on “the machine.”  I thought I was nothing for Halloween, turns out, I’m a cyborg* (and every day is Halloween).  I talked about this once before, but what the heck, it’s interesting to me.  Not only is technology sort of messing with our notions of time (synchronous, asynchronous, what?) and space (where is my blog anyway?), but also our beingness in the world.  The computer (connected to the internet) extends (some might say constrains) my capacity to read, write, learn, communicate, think, be, etc. etc.  I go nowhere without at least my iPhone (though laptop is preferable), which I use to constantly check email, update facebook, record thoughts, check wikipedia, oh, and sometimes answer phone calls.  My laptop makes me exponentially smarter.  I remember learning to read difficult texts in high school and how inefficient I was at it.  If I didn’t know a word, I would rely on context clues or maybe, possibly, go find that collegiate dictionary on the bookshelf in the living room to look it up (but only if the sentence was nonsense without the word, and okay, sometimes not even then).  But, if I didn’t know a literary reference, I just allowed myself to be confused and not understand the passage (I mean, really what was I going to do, go to the card catalogue at the library?  And do you remember how terrible the internet was in 1996?).  Sometimes a teacher would elaborate on the reference in class, which would sometimes clear it up and sometimes not.  Reading now, with my laptop, is a completely different experience.  I look up words instantly and then tweet them to keep a log of words I am learning.  I look up references to philosophers and read the wikipedia page to help me understand (and sometimes several subpages that leads to a veritable labyrinth of information).  I understand what I am reading in ways not possible without my handy extension of the mind/body.  Even in class, if some big name theorist or book or article comes up that I don’t know, I don’t have to try to look contemplative to avoid the suspicion of my ignorance (though suspicion abounds I am sure), I just look it up right then and there, and am able to follow a conversation I might not have been able to follow otherwise.  In a way, this is sort of an old idea.  I mean, even the seemingly insignificant invention of lenses, eventually used to make glasses, extends our sight.  Cars extend our motility.  Technology has been changing the way humans function for a long time, but I still lean toward the idea that computer technology has made changes that rock our assumptions of reality in ways not imagined before.  I mean, virtual reality, artificial intelligence, cyborgs?  This is the stuff of science fiction.  I belong in a science fiction novel.  Here I am constructing my life in this virtual space, which is everywhere and nowhere all at the same time and at different times, any time.  It’s mind boggling.  And for those who read this and don’t know me in real life, this is all I am.  This little box with words and photographs.  It doesn’t even matter if I “really” exist.  All I am for them is what is on this website.  What’s the difference between the “real” me and the website?  Or am I both?  I say both, I think, because I’m a cyborg.

*I like Donna Haraway and her Cyborg Manifesto.

Today’s my big sister’s birthday and at work someone asked her if she was still in her twenties and she said, “Yeah, I’m 20-15.”  Good one, Grandma!  She got some new running clothes and modeled them for my blog (see picture below).  The first picture was ASTRONOMICALLY funnier than this one, but she would have killed me if I had posted it because she had this hilarious face that looked sorta like, well, you know when you pause the TV and you just so happen to pause it when someone is talking, and their mouth is all twisted and one eye is closed and you go, I can’t believe there is a moment in time when my face looks like that!  Yeah, it was like that.  Hilarious.  Sorry I can’t post it here, but it will forever be on my iPhone for when I need to remember not to take life too seriously (like, for example, every day this week).  Here’s the funny, but significantly less funny picture:

Practice Run

So since today is Julie’s birthday, Dan and I left Columbus right when I was done with work and minutes after Dan had stepped off of an airplane.  We headed straight for Canton and the Central/Aquinas game (big small Catholic school rivalry).  We got to see my niece, Katie, perform as head majorette.  Here she is after the half time show (sorry about the lighting):

We are definitely related.

Then, the craziest thing happened.  I ran into my best friend from grade school, Jina with a J!  I haven’t seen Jina since I was 15 years old.  We were the craziest little pair that made up radio shows and disgusting songs about toe jam, watched Willow, Children of the Corn and Drop Dead Fred until we knew all of the lines, and nicknamed each other Ding-a-ling (Jina) and Ling Ding (me).  So, she sees me and I barely recognize her and we scream and start talking so fast I pretty much forget it’s 2009.  I was transported back to 1994 when we sat in the back of my dad’s station wagon and waved to strangers just to see their discomfort.  Ah, those were the days.  Crazy and carefree.  I need to wave to strangers more often.  She pulls me over to see her dad (who I always thought was the greatest) and she says, “Dad, guess who?” and he looks for a second and goes, “Ling Ding?!”  Ha.  Yep, that’s me.

Oh no, not gladiolas!

How can a retail store nearly bring you to tears?  Let me tell you.

After a day full of reading and the discovery that one of the items on my reading list this week was another ENTIRE book, I decided I had better 1) get myself some take out for dinner and 2) go somewhere to read, somewhere where I would not be tempted to watch TV, read a magazine, talk to friends, have a life, etc.  So, I decide after my Indian take out, to go to Barnes and Noble for the evening.  But first, I needed to stop at Target (right next door).  I walk into Target, and I AM NOT KIDDING YOU, begin to get teary.  It’s pathetic, I know, but for the past six weeks, I have not been to any store, but the grocery store.  I have not had leisure time, I have not putzed around Target, I have not gotten new clothes in I have no idea how long, and though all of these things are not really necessary, it all hit me at once.  Target, I miss you.  I miss the days when I would stop at the one by my house in Cincinnati and just waste some time.  I miss walking around with Dan.  I just miss my old life right at this moment.

I know, who complains about being in a PhD program?  Oh, you poor thing, your hard life, your non-retail store life.  Whatever.  At least in my retail store days, I was sure of myself.  I had a job I was really good at and people thought I was smart.  Now, I’m not sure if I’m any good at anything and I’m only pretty sure that I know next to nothing.  I also know I’ve been a downer lately.  I’ll get over it, but at least today I have a scapegoat.  Stupid Target.

I got up this morning, did my yoga, read for a bit and then headed to my weekly tech meeting with the other Ed Tech students.  It’s really nice to hear what they are working on and how they are working on it.  It is comforting in many ways and I like it a whole lot (just in case Dr. V reads this).

Right after that meeting, I have class.  I love this class.  It’s interesting and challenging and it’s taught by my super-cool/smart new advisor.  I pulled out my notebook and wrote the date at the top.  Time flies right now and I always have to think about what day it is.  I knew that yesterday was October 27th because I had a midterm due that day and it was branded on my brain.  So, if yesterday was October 27th, today is October 28th.  October 28th.  My dad’s birthday.  I hadn’t thought of it until just then and just then, it made me sad.  Sad I forgot.  Sad that I have been forgetting for the past couple of years.  Just yesterday, I was walking on the Oval, feeling sort of insecure and a bit hopeless and for whatever reason, I had this feeling that I needed to call my dad.  It was like that feeling you get when you haven’t talked to one of your parents in awhile and you sort of automatically reach for your phone.  Well, I did that.  I hadn’t done that in a long time.  Forgot, I mean.  Forgot that I don’t have a dad to call.  Forgot that my biggest supporter couldn’t talk me out of my insecurities.  But, what I did, at that moment, the moment I dropped my hand from my cell phone, was called my dad in my mind.

Hey, Dad!

Hey, Bugsy! What’s up?

Oh, nothing, just walking around on campus, worrying about this class I just had.  I didn’t contribute again and I’m really worried that everyone is going to think that I don’t know anything.

Oh, don’t worry about that.  You’re just as smart as everyone else there.

No, I’m not, Dad.

Yes, you are.  Stop worrying about. I know you can do it.

Dad, I’m afraid that the professors have doubts about me.

Oh, no they don’t.  Just remember, they were all students too once.

Alright, I have to go read, but I’m coming home this weekend.  Wanna get pizza on Friday night?

Sure!  Just call when you are heading up.

Okay.

Love you, Bugsy.  I’m proud of you.

Love you too, Dad.

He was so funny like that.  So black and white, so sure of his kids.  The crazy thing was, was that very night in class, my professor told us that he didn’t really expect us to have done the readings this week (which I had done) because, “I was a student once myself and I’m realistic about these things.”  Dad, you are a genius.  Oh, and happy birthday.  Today, you would have been 59, and boy is that OLD.

Kidding.

Today, I was on campus for about thirteen hours.  It began at about 8:30am.  I started teaching my second group of students in my Digital Tools course.  They seem like a very cool group of women and I’m excited about teaching it.  After class, I headed to RPAC to run and shower.  Then, I needed to go back to Ramseyer (where I teach) to go through my former advisor’s books.

If you remember, my advisor passed away this summer.  What I found out a few weeks ago, was that she willed her books to her advisees.  I was touched by that sentiment.  What better to leave to your students, but the words that formed you?  I was hoping to find a certain book.  During my second quarter at OSU, Suzanne had a small group book study on Sherry Turkle’s The Second Self: Computers and the Human Spirit.  I really enjoyed the book and I knew that Suzanne’s copy had her notes and underlining and, for me, it has sentimental value.  When I got to Suzanne’s office, my current advisor and Suzanne’s partner were there and books were everywhere.  It was sort of nice to chat and look through her books.  I did end up finding the one I was looking for, and much much more.  I ended up with a whole box and even though I have no idea where I will put these books, I am happy.

I had to sort of hurry out and get to my next class over on the Oval.  Then, I went to the library, got bored reading there and moved to Brennen’s, the coffee shop, where I read until my last class at 7pm, back in Ramseyer.  9:30pm, I was finally home.  I was thinking about making a little map of my travels on campus today, but you know, I think you can see why I don’t really feel like it (but, think zigzags).

City Hall

I worked all day today.  I was the only one in the Gifted Department in the office, so I had to answer a few phone calls.  Well, that was entertaining.  I had to do detective work to even get close to finding answers.  Ah well, I did my best.  The good news is that when I left work, it was the most gorgeous day.  I walked home and stopped in a few shops.  Then, I got a bunch of work done at home and I’m feeling all ready for the busy school week.  I just hope I can remain this productive.  We shall see.

This weekend, for me, was less a weekend, more an extension of the week.  I had a lot of work to do.  The main culprit was a midterm for my Visualizing the Curriculum class.  It was supposed to be ten pages, but when I did all I needed to do, it was more like seventeen.  And all I did was analyze the About page of two blogs!  I hope I don’t get dinged for being so far over.  I feel good about the paper, but man, it took me a long time.  Here’s the intro:

“Blogs are becoming passe.  “Everyone” has a blog.  And lots of these blogs have minimal readership, and yet, millions of people have begun blogs and many maintain them regularly.  Young girls and women seem to be particularly drawn to this medium.  Though men dominate the blogosphere with blogs related to technology topics, politics, and business, women dominate the “personal” genre of blogs (Nowson & Oberlander) and tend to make use of the social components of blogs more than their male counterparts (Pederson & Macafee).  The medium of a blog is essentially an online space.  Women and girls are engaging with this space in ways that could have implications for critical media literacy and education broadly defined.  I have conducted a study of the ways in which four female doctoral students have engaged with blogs in different ways.  In this article, I use semiotics and deconstruction to take a critical look at the “About” pages of these bloggers as one way to understand the ways in which these women represent their subjectivity in this medium as a part of learning their identities.”

Saturday was basically filled with reading, writing and running (I had my 11 miler for marathon training).  I did get a break that night to watch some UFC.  Sunday was more reading, writing and running (this time only 3 miles).  I also read an ENTIRE book yesterday.  And the “best” part is that, I read the first half, took a “beak” to finish writing my paper, came back to the book, only to find out that Foucault (the author) began the second half by basically saying, “You know all that stuff I put in the first half?  I was just kidding.  Now, here’s what I really think.”  Foucault, I don’t have time for your games.

Ah well, it’s Monday morning, I am NOT well rested and I am on my way to take Dan to the airport (he’s traveling to Arizona this week) and then I have to get myself to work.  Sigh.

Today at work, we went out for lunch and took the secret tunnels under Columbus to get there.  SECRET TUNNELS!  UNDER COLUMBUS!  It was kinda fun to go to the basement level of the building, follow a few winding tunnels and staircases and find ourselves right across from the statehouse (about two blocks away).  I sort of felt like I was in a children’s book and I liked it.  It makes me want to write a story.

Tonight, Dan and I went to eat at Northstar.  We hadn’t been there in so long and I enjoyed every bite of my Northstar burger.  Then, we went and picked up some groceries and a pumpkin pie blizzard at Dairy Queen.  ‘Tis the season.  When we got home, we watched a movie that also made me want to write a story, Coraline.  It was dazzling and creepy and made me feel creative.  It’s too bad that I’m so tired, or I might think about actually writing that story with creepy things and SECRET TUNNELS.  Maybe tomorrow.  Or maybe yesterday.

Ramseyer

I’ve been riding the bus a lot lately.  I decided not to buy the ridiculous $300+ parking permit for OSU.  To get to campus, I only have to ride one bus, straight down High.  It comes about every ten minutes.  Last year, I would sometimes drive, sometimes ride the bus, but since parking is so terrible on campus, I would have to park pretty far away and walk, so it really didn’t save time (versus riding the bus).  And we all know that I don’t ride my bike anymore… Long story short, I’ve been riding the bus.

So today, as I was seated and reading an article on the bus (efficient, no?), this girl about my age started seizing.  She had been standing and she just fell to the floor and was shaking.  I yelled to the bus driver to call an ambulance, but then she snapped out of it and stood up.  She had no idea what happened and then she said that she was pregnant.  I told her that she was seizing and that I think she should go to the hospital, but she didn’t want the bus driver to call.  She said her brother was waiting for her at Wendy’s (a few stops down) and I told her that she should really have her brother take her to the hospital, but she didn’t seem to agree.  She said she didn’t usually have seizures either.  I think if she would have seen herself seizing, she might have thought differently.

This really freaked me out and it made me sad too.  I know I make fun of the bus because it’s kind of stinky and there are crazy people on there, but it really makes me sad.  There are elderly people, physically handicapped people, mentally handicapped people, and mothers trying to carry groceries, who apparently have no other way to get around.  Where are their families?  I choose to ride the bus and all, but it’s really not that fun.  Especially not when it’s cold or raining, or it doesn’t come on time, or you have to make a transfer (which can take FOREVER), or you need to go somewhere not close to a bus stop.  I only have to walk a few minutes and then ride the bus for about ten minutes, but it can still be kind of stressful.  It makes me want to start a service where I pick up the elderly or people that need groceries and drive them where they need to go.  I can handle the bus a few days a week, but they shouldn’t have to.  It’s just not right.

Speaking of families, I overheard a classmate from England tell someone that he hadn’t been home in two years.  Wow.  Even though I get stressed out having busy weekends, I can’t imagine how much more stressed I would be if I didn’t get to see my family for that long.  I feel kinda lucky today.  Lucky and sad.

Today was gorgeous.  I took this picture on the Oval yesterday, but it was even nicer today.  I’m liking this warm spell and the pretty fall leaves.

This afternoon, in my cultural studies class, we discussed Foucault’s book/interview Remarks on Marx.  It was a good discussion and really helped me understand a few things, including agency from Foucault’s perspective.  So it goes, even though we are constituted by societal discourses, within those discourses there exists a range of possibility for human agency and we can maximize that agency with the awareness of the constraints that exist in society.  Finally… I’ve been wondering about that.

The other thing that we talked about was the limit-experience.  The way my professor explained it was in opposition to mastery.  Instead of trying to master knowledge or a concept, you have a limit-experience, one where you complexify understanding, put yourself up against a wall, push yourself to the limit, use your “not knowing” and the “not knowable” to create knowledge differently and create a different kind of knowledge.  I thought that was pretty interesting.  For my own research, it helps me to think that I don’t have to come to some neat conclusion, but that I can play with ideas, try things out, theorize, trouble, complexify and try to enjoy the experience.  In my own life, it helps me think that I should relish this time in school now, this time where I am confused, overwhelmed, perpetually behind and always doubting myself and think of it instead as a limit-experience.  It’s like jumping out of an airplane, and your parachute fails, and before you go for the back up, you wait just a moment and live in that fear/exhilaration.