Dear Japan

Dear Japan,

There are several things I would like to submit for your consideration.  All suggested changes are encouraged to be completed prior to my next visit (which could very well be never, not because I don’t like it, but because it’s expensive here, which now that I think about it should be my first suggestion).

1) Please install more benches everywhere, but especially in the subway.  I speak for all fat, lazy Americans when I say that I like to rest my fluffy butt as often as possible.  I know you all aspire to be hard workers, but we all aspire for as much leisure time as possible and one way we get it is by sitting as much as we can.

2) Please supply (real) napkins and/or paper towels at restaurants, convenience stores and restrooms everywhere.  Again, as a fat American, I can get a little aggressive when I eat and I am required to be surrounded by bits of paper (paper that probably won’t be recycled) to wipe my slop on.  Also, after I wash my hands in the restroom, I would like to dry them off on something other than my pants.  I think I’ve spied a few of your citizens with their own personal hand towels in their purses, and I just don’t think I can be responsible for this.  You see, my purse is very full already.

3) Please supply trashcans/recycle bins every fifty feet or so.  It appears as though not many people like to eat on the go here, but this is required as I am an efficient machine, an efficient lazy machine (I know that can be confusing, but we are efficient so that we can be lazy later).  So, speaking as a lazy American, there’s nothing I hate more than carrying around my empty can/bottle of pop for more than ten minutes.  If your country wasn’t so clean, I probably would have sat it in the middle of the sidewalk and called it a day.

4) Please do not put anything in doughnuts that would not give you a cavity.  Hot dogs?  No.  Egg salad?  No.  Curry?  No.  Bean paste (even if it is mixed with sugar)?  No.  If you start messing with ice cream, we are going to have to have a serious conversation.

5) Please do not bring back the scrunchie.  Its day has passed.

Other than these minor problems, I am having a wonderful time in your country.

Sincerely,

Laurie