Impostor Syndrome
2 Apr
Today was an absolutely perfectly gorgeous day. It was 69 degrees and sunny. So, I took a couple of pictures as I was out and about, but I do declare that I need a fancier camera (and maybe photography lessons). This is the “numbers garden” on OSU’s campus. See the giant numbers? Sweet, huh?
And this is a street right near my house. I really like the tree to the right, but I don’t know what it is, so if you do, please tell me so I can plant one at my next house.
This afternoon I had a class that will be all about writing a literature review. I am really excited about the class, because 1) I like to write and 2) I think it will be very helpful in moving me along on my dissertation (when the time comes). The course is taught by a professor of educational psychology and we started out with a discussion on the roadblocks we have as “academic writers.” People were throwing out things like not having enough time, not feeling like they have all of the information that they need to be thorough, not understanding APA and what have you. Someone mentioned a lack of confidence, which I can completely relate to. Writing (and many other things) at “this level” (whatever that means) is very intimidating and I never want to share it with anyone but the professor and even then, I am scared. The professor took this comment very seriously and gave us a bit of a “talk” on how common this is and that it actually has a name, impostor syndrome. It’s basically when you think that none of your accomplishments are attributed to your ability and you feel like you somehow slipped through the cracks, got lucky, and are fooling people. So, in a sense, you are an impostor in an academic environment where you don’t really belong. I am going to go ahead and diagnose myself with impostor syndrome, because, well, who doesn’t love a good self-diagnosis? I’ll also give some anecdotal evidence (very scientific, I know):
1) In grade school, I specifically remember thinking that I was tricking people into thinking I was smart by studying for tests. I felt like if I was just memorizing stuff that meant I wasn’t really smart because anyone could memorize the stuff if they wanted to (I think I may still agree with myself on this).
2) When I got to the 8th grade (my mom still makes fun of me for this) my teachers recommended that I take three different honors courses the following year, Algebra, English and Biology, but I was absolutely convinced that I was not smart enough to take all three (because I had been tricking people for so long) and would only sign up for Biology. I remember having a big crying fit with my mom and saying, “I’m not smart!” over and over (which is the phrase my mom now uses to mock me when something good happens… in a loving way of course). By the end of high school, I was taking as many honors classes as I could. I had become masterful at the art of tricking people.
3) When I got into Ohio State, I wondered (and still do) just how many people actually applied to the program that year. I feel like the numbers may have been in my favor.
I’ll spare you any more of my fake psycho-analysis, but I think this is probably why I get so nervous talking in front of people that don’t know me (or haven’t been fooled yet). I think they are going to figure me out for the imposter that I am and then say, “How in the world did you get into this program? My, your understanding of deconstructionism is unremarkable to say the least” (in my head this is all said in a snobby British accent) and then maybe shove me in a locker or something like that.
All of these classes are sort of small and everyone sits quietly in a circle and politely takes turns talking. So, I’m sitting there pondering all of this impostor nonsense when my stomach makes this super loud gargling sound. Not only am I an impostor, but I also make embarrassing noises. Nice.
I really think there are very few people who can make it through grad school without at least a mild case of imposter syndrome. My first day at Rice, during orientation, the department head handed out a list of contact information for all of the first years. They listed my undergraduate institution as Fordham. I was convinced for the entire year that there had been another applicant, someone with my name, someone much smarter, who had gone to Fordham instead of American — and THAT’s who they REALLY wanted.
Oh, dang, I have this too because I feel like this ALL THE TIME! It goes hand in hand with my anxiety about NOT having gone to grad school (yet). I constantly feel like one day I will be found out, also in a dramatic fashion like you described!